IM having the Blues cuz of soo many reasons. I miss going to work, interacting with people, joking around, going out after work. Dont get me wrong, I love being a mom but sometimes its just frustrating. Im an outgoing person, my friends know that. Im the sort before being a mom, cant be home like more than a day or I'll go nuts. I used to be sooo active, hitting the gym 5-6x a week after work. Now Im just a big fat tub of lard waiting to expand even further..god knows to where.
Sometimes, I feel like my husband do not understand where I am coming from. I know that he is tired & stressed out from work but I cant help feeling that he thinks staying at home being a mum is peanuts. Its not seriously. Its mentally challenging. I have my moments where I go to the next room & literally screammed my bloody lungs out. I cant cook in peace, cuz my lil monster would want me to carry him a.s.a.p Its tough. Naif probably has this mindset that "oh you just sit at home, watch tv, take care of raouf, eat, sleep & b merry" If I had the choice, I would wanna work & now its even more difficult cuz.......
Anyways, Im worried that we wont have enough & all that kinda of fucked up shit. Seriously, being a mother who has no experience whatsoever is already tough but not having anyone with me is even tougher. Its the loneliness that kills sometimes. Arggh! the thought of it could reduced me to tears. But it is. I know there are people who is gonna point their fingers at me and tell me "Oh I told you so!" But hey Im trying & iM learning. Im pushing myself beyond my boundaries everyday. Being tired physically is nothing compared to how I have to prep myself up mentally.
I dont know...maybe I'll feel better if there is constantly someone at home so I wont be so bored & alone. Not that my son is not a good company but sometimes adult interaction is in order. I wonder if this is one of GOD's cruel joke on me...Maybe, I need some alone time you know? Sort of like getting my bearings back to where it should be. When I say alone time I meant minus baby. It would be nice if my husband could just for one day off course inclusive of him taking two off days...oh wait I have to drift off here...he & his off days= super tough to get. His work is basically a no off day situation which explains why he bring back home slightly more. But of course I dont get to spend much time with him. SOmetimes I dont see him the whole day until the next afternoon. So u see where I come from??
Back to where I was, if he could only just tell me "baby, I'll handle Raouf. This is your day just go out & do whatever you want to" OMG I will be sooo fucking thrill!!! Unfortunately, this scenario is just what I conjured up in my mind & its not a reality. Am I selfish for just wanting some time off by myself?? And if i do something for myself, I know I will feel guilty. Im going nuts seriously. I ponder this to myself evevery fucking day.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Friday, February 13, 2009
Ended
I dont know how to feel right now. Numb, sad, hurt, angry & ultimately dissapointed. My 8yrs of friendship with my best friend Fathiah has ended today. Why? Because ultimately, Azmi & I feel like we are in the backseat of this ridiculous car ride. Im just soo drained from this shit! I sincerely thought that we will be those ppl who will grow old & hang out while our kids be BFF's. Unfortunately not so. I've been through sooooo fucking sooo much shit with her. I remembered the countless amount of time where I have stood up for her. Fucking been there for her! Came all the way down to her house when she had her period just to make fucking hot soup for her! I've cooked for her family, Ive done shit for them man! Things started changing ever since we went to college. Slowly, she drifted away from both me & azmi, making friends with 2 girls.
I hope she does enjoy being a slut with both of them. Clubbing the night away & whatever nots. If you are reading GOOD! Im sick of your shit! How many fucking fucking times have me & Azmi called her up to meet up & 99.9% we always get rejected..always!!! & if she doesnt reject us she has to be home early. BUT weirdly when she is out clubbing with her bitches she is able to come home at 4am, going to new years eve party all the way to SEntosa but when it was my solemnization night apparently she just cant have time for me. Screw it man! who needs this kind of friend. Fathiah, I really hope that those bitches will be there for you all the time & not just to complain abt their sickening relationship problems. I hope you have fun clubbing with them all the way, speaking spanish witha fucking slang & acting all fucking classy n whatever nots. BTW, do u think that I am an idiot? do i fuckin look like a 5 yr old to u? Dont tell me that you are still keepin ur chastity. With those sluts around u, me & azmi highly doubt so(and obviously naif feels strongly about it too).u talked so much about naif being this and that but it seems that time has spoken a thousand words.i do appreciate u taking me in for a couple of days when shit happened at mym place..and that was when i tot that i could count on u more than a fren..i cant help to realise how uve treated us when we went over to ur place and how me and azmi felt like second class to gayatri n co. ltd.do u really feel the way u treated us??talk abt being an arab...arabs treat their guests much warmer.. THANKS FOR EVERYTHING BITCH
I hope she does enjoy being a slut with both of them. Clubbing the night away & whatever nots. If you are reading GOOD! Im sick of your shit! How many fucking fucking times have me & Azmi called her up to meet up & 99.9% we always get rejected..always!!! & if she doesnt reject us she has to be home early. BUT weirdly when she is out clubbing with her bitches she is able to come home at 4am, going to new years eve party all the way to SEntosa but when it was my solemnization night apparently she just cant have time for me. Screw it man! who needs this kind of friend. Fathiah, I really hope that those bitches will be there for you all the time & not just to complain abt their sickening relationship problems. I hope you have fun clubbing with them all the way, speaking spanish witha fucking slang & acting all fucking classy n whatever nots. BTW, do u think that I am an idiot? do i fuckin look like a 5 yr old to u? Dont tell me that you are still keepin ur chastity. With those sluts around u, me & azmi highly doubt so(and obviously naif feels strongly about it too).u talked so much about naif being this and that but it seems that time has spoken a thousand words.i do appreciate u taking me in for a couple of days when shit happened at mym place..and that was when i tot that i could count on u more than a fren..i cant help to realise how uve treated us when we went over to ur place and how me and azmi felt like second class to gayatri n co. ltd.do u really feel the way u treated us??talk abt being an arab...arabs treat their guests much warmer.. THANKS FOR EVERYTHING BITCH
Monday, February 9, 2009
Modernization
Have you guys ever wondered if modernization is actually a good thing for our country?? To me, it is a double edge sword. There are its pros and cons. Yeah sure, the world is smaller now made possible with ever new technology. People dont generally have to work as hard as before, travelling is so much easier & getting something is easy,just by a click of a mouse. However at times, I feel that modernization has manifest itself into something that has made people lose the essence of their tradition, roots,culture & our values. When we were younger, we didnt carry around school a mobile just so that our parents are able to keep in touch with us. Need to call home? We just have to memorize our home number & queue patiently at the phone booth unlike kids these days with such latest gadgets, which I frankly deemed unnecessary.
Do you remember how during recess, our games were the good ol' fashion hopscotch, police & thief, congkak, 5 stones, zero point?? Now all these have become extinct, which is really sad. Boys used to tease girls, pull their hair & ride on bikes. But now, computer games & PSP takes the lead. Speaking of hp, when we made an appointment, we stick by it. Nowadays, its just an sms away stating that we will be half an hour late.
People have generally become more complacent. Singapore in particular has lost its culture. Old shophouses didnt serve the same purpose as it did 20 years ago. Those apeks who in the wee hours of the morning gather, each carrying a bird cage in hand, chatting thru kopis with the chattering of birds in the air no longer exist. That old cobbler under the blok has been replaced by Mister Mint. We have been roped into this whirlwind of change which is so thrilling that we somehow lost our sense of who we are as a person. We become self involved. I mean for women especially, we get caught up in how perfect our bodies, hair, boobs, skin, nails, face even our nether regions should look like that we get it corrected. Dont you think that modernization has somehow corrupted our minds? We dont take the time to stop & smell the flowers. We just rush through life so much so that at the end of the day, we forget what life is all about & our purpose in it.
Do you remember how during recess, our games were the good ol' fashion hopscotch, police & thief, congkak, 5 stones, zero point?? Now all these have become extinct, which is really sad. Boys used to tease girls, pull their hair & ride on bikes. But now, computer games & PSP takes the lead. Speaking of hp, when we made an appointment, we stick by it. Nowadays, its just an sms away stating that we will be half an hour late.
People have generally become more complacent. Singapore in particular has lost its culture. Old shophouses didnt serve the same purpose as it did 20 years ago. Those apeks who in the wee hours of the morning gather, each carrying a bird cage in hand, chatting thru kopis with the chattering of birds in the air no longer exist. That old cobbler under the blok has been replaced by Mister Mint. We have been roped into this whirlwind of change which is so thrilling that we somehow lost our sense of who we are as a person. We become self involved. I mean for women especially, we get caught up in how perfect our bodies, hair, boobs, skin, nails, face even our nether regions should look like that we get it corrected. Dont you think that modernization has somehow corrupted our minds? We dont take the time to stop & smell the flowers. We just rush through life so much so that at the end of the day, we forget what life is all about & our purpose in it.
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Complications
You know how when people write on their blog describing how perfect their life is well frankly I think that its just bullshit. Nobody, not even stars have a perfect life what more us mere mortals. Im not gonna beat about the bush here but Im just so fucking pissed off today.( To my relatives who are reading, there is gonna be more cusses & whatever nots in this post & in future post to come, so read it to your own discretion) My BFF Azmi came & stay over yesterday. Today, I got fuck by mum cuz he was sick which frankly, it was just a case of simple sinus & my mum was scared that Azmi will infect Raouf. She even scolded me because Naif wasnt around & that I was sleeping in the same room with Azmi & she claims that anything could happen. WTF??!! These are the reasons why NOTHING will EVER happen.
1) He's my BFF ever since we were in secondary school.
2) We seen each others up's & down's
3) Our feelings to each other is mutual. His family treat me like family.
4) Naif knows jolly well that he is able to trust me & Azmi together no matter where we are.
5) Naif was the one who asked Azmi to sleep over in d same room, of course we provided mattress for him.
6)Real friends just dont do that kinda shit with each other.
I have actually stopped writing this yesterday night cuz I was just too pissed off & mentally tired. Well yesterday post was madness. What can I say right?
1) He's my BFF ever since we were in secondary school.
2) We seen each others up's & down's
3) Our feelings to each other is mutual. His family treat me like family.
4) Naif knows jolly well that he is able to trust me & Azmi together no matter where we are.
5) Naif was the one who asked Azmi to sleep over in d same room, of course we provided mattress for him.
6)Real friends just dont do that kinda shit with each other.
I have actually stopped writing this yesterday night cuz I was just too pissed off & mentally tired. Well yesterday post was madness. What can I say right?
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