Havin the BLUeS...

IM having the Blues cuz of soo many reasons. I miss going to work, interacting with people, joking around, going out after work. Dont get me wrong, I love being a mom but sometimes its just frustrating. Im an outgoing person, my friends know that. Im the sort before being a mom, cant be home like more than a day or I'll go nuts. I used to be sooo active, hitting the gym 5-6x a week after work. Now Im just a big fat tub of lard waiting to expand even further..god knows to where.

Sometimes, I feel like my husband do not understand where I am coming from. I know that he is tired & stressed out from work but I cant help feeling that he thinks staying at home being a mum is peanuts. Its not seriously. Its mentally challenging. I have my moments where I go to the next room & literally screammed my bloody lungs out. I cant cook in peace, cuz my lil monster would want me to carry him a.s.a.p Its tough. Naif probably has this mindset that "oh you just sit at home, watch tv, take care of raouf, eat, sleep & b merry" If I had the choice, I would wanna work & now its even more difficult cuz.......

Anyways, Im worried that we wont have enough & all that kinda of fucked up shit. Seriously, being a mother who has no experience whatsoever is already tough but not having anyone with me is even tougher. Its the loneliness that kills sometimes. Arggh! the thought of it could reduced me to tears. But it is. I know there are people who is gonna point their fingers at me and tell me "Oh I told you so!" But hey Im trying & iM learning. Im pushing myself beyond my boundaries everyday. Being tired physically is nothing compared to how I have to prep myself up mentally.

I dont know...maybe I'll feel better if there is constantly someone at home so I wont be so bored & alone. Not that my son is not a good company but sometimes adult interaction is in order. I wonder if this is one of GOD's cruel joke on me...Maybe, I need some alone time you know? Sort of like getting my bearings back to where it should be. When I say alone time I meant minus baby. It would be nice if my husband could just for one day off course inclusive of him taking two off days...oh wait I have to drift off here...he & his off days= super tough to get. His work is basically a no off day situation which explains why he bring back home slightly more. But of course I dont get to spend much time with him. SOmetimes I dont see him the whole day until the next afternoon. So u see where I come from??

Back to where I was, if he could only just tell me "baby, I'll handle Raouf. This is your day just go out & do whatever you want to" OMG I will be sooo fucking thrill!!! Unfortunately, this scenario is just what I conjured up in my mind & its not a reality. Am I selfish for just wanting some time off by myself?? And if i do something for myself, I know I will feel guilty. Im going nuts seriously. I ponder this to myself evevery fucking day.